10 HIGH SCHOOL STEREOTYPES
REIMAGINED AS DRINKS
One sentence is steadily sweeping through the nation this month, closely followed by the sound of millions of children's hearts collectively falling into the pits of their stomachs.
“Get your things ready for school!”
We can all remember the feeling of dread that came with those six little words. The end of summer. The end of the late mornings. The end of freedom. It only comes second to the phrase "have you done your homework?" *shudder*
But we’re all adults now (at least physically, if not mentally) so for us, this sentence now marks a return to the status-quo - the end of a summer of teenage angst, battling boredom and extortionate childcare costs. School has no power over us! We have total freedom. Freedom to work, to pay taxes, to pay bills… to pay…
On second thoughts, school wasn’t really that bad was it?
In reality, a lot of us actually miss the time that we shared in school. Not only because we are reminded of our younger, fitter selves, but because school was full of great personalities that dominated every classroom. From class clowns to teachers' pets, from nerds to jocks to goths - you were always bound to fall into some interesting bracket for a period of your school years. And whilst it might not have been such fun at the time, with reflection there were certainly some great characters that made the time there all the more interesting.
So, in the spirit of celebrating our school years in a very adult fashion, here are 10 drinks that pay homage to high school stereotypes. Remind you of anyone?
1. THE POPULAR KID
Is it even possible to remember school days without first picturing the popular clique? Hate them, love them, love to hate them - every school had them.
Their main aim was stay ahead of the trends, say what was 'cool' and dictate the dress code. The most important questions weren’t socio-economic issues regarding the likes of Brexit. Please. The real questions were "where to party?", "what to wear?" or whether Lisa was getting with Ben (she totally was).
And it’s the same for the drinks industry. When you think about alcohol there are a bunch of names that jump to mind that remain popular, despite passing trends and challengers to their crowns. The likes of Jack Daniels, Gordon’s, Smirnoff and Absolut - popular, well-loved brands and brands that some people just love to hate. But the really popular kid? The one who everyone seems to like, no matter how what? Grey Goose.
Grey Goose Vodka is cool. It has that nonchalant air to it. It knows it's great (you can't use the strapline "The world's best-tasting vodka" without being able to back it up) and it comes with it's very own clique of flavours and impersonators the world over.
Willing to mix things up to stay on top, Grey Goose is popular, without being cheap. And as the world's 8th best selling vodka brand, it balances that 'popular kid' attitude with mass appeal pretty darn well...
2. THE SCHOOL BULLY
Perhaps the least popular of all of the class stereotypes, bullies can cause real problems throughout school life.
It would be unfair for us to suggest any of our great drinks or brands could fit the bully stereotype based on the normal character traits. And yet, there is one drink that can be put compared for a very good reason:
Three words – Naga Chilli Vodka.
If those words don’t put the same level of fear in you as your school bully did back in primary school then we worry that you haven't quite understood the heat of the Naga Chilli!
On average, a mouth tingling Jalapeño has a heat of around 2,500 – 5,000 Scoville heat units. This vodka, on the other hand, is 100 times hotter than a Jalapeno with a Scoville heat unit of 250,000. So yeah. Hot.
Just like your school bully, this drink is guaranteed to not only make you feel the pain, but potentially have everyone laughing at you whilst you attempt to drink it. There may be tears. Or maybe, just maybe you can stand up to it...
3. THE CLASS CLOWN
For those of you that matured at a young age, the class clown was probably your least favourite classmate. They had little respect for the rules, were loud, obnoxious and often abrasive.
However, for those of you that loved to keep lessons a little light-hearted, the class clown was the comic relief that was so necessary in the classroom.
Class clowns were never ones to take themselves too seriously. A little like The Duppy Share rum.
Here is a fun drink, a mischievous drink. 'Duppies' are Caribbean ghosts, said to swoop and steal the very best of the rums that are kept ageing in barrels across the islands. The Duppy Share team have taken inspiration from this playful legend and blend the finest Caribbean rums together, to create a sensational spirit.
So it might be all fun and games. But when it comes to the actual rum, The Duppy Share doesn’t clown around.
4. THE TEACHER'S PET
A stickler for the rules, unwilling to step out of the boundaries, never bold, never one to upset the status quo - and always seeking approval - Teacher's Pets were the suck-ups we'd roll our eyes at on a daily basis.
However, we think that Brokers gin might just buck that trend. A very rare example of how sometimes (and only sometimes) doing exactly as the teacher says might be the right move.
Broker's don't follow the modern trend of using weird and wonderful ingredients in their gin, instead choosing to follow the rules laid out by their forefathers. 100% grain spirit and ten traditional botanicals distilled in a 200-year old distillery using traditional copper pot stills, a basic recipes and… bowler hats?
This quadruple-distilled pure grain spirit stands as a testament to all goody-two-shoes out there: the outstanding flavour and smoothness often blows some more ‘adventurous’ gins right out of the water.
5. THE BAD KID
Whatever happened to that bad kid? You know, the one who used to smoke cigarettes behind the bike sheds, the one who assaulted that teacher with a biro that time and who only showed up once in a blue moon, even if it was only to tell everyone how much they hated school.
There is just something about that mix of danger, mystery and solitude that made someone seem so cool, so elusive... kind of mysterious...
Enter: Dark Matter’s Spiced Rum.
When it comes to the rules, Dark Matter really doesn’t care. They were too busy breaking tradition and setting up their rum distillery in Aberdeen (yep, making rum in Scotland) to care about playing nice. They were the type of kid who would ask what the rules were, just to break them.
With a bold contemporary look, this rum breaks old-fashioned notions of rum and gives the drink a much darker and more dangerous appeal.
In terms of taste, Dark Matter Spiced Rum has a real kick of spice in it - not a super sugary spice that you'd find in the more common spiced rum variants but a very unique spicy All-Spice and Ginger flavour profile. And it's really pretty awesome...
6. THE JOCK
What are loud, musky, aggressive and commonly found in large packs? No not dogs - we're talking about high school jocks!
Considering that schools can be breeding grounds for masculinity, with a huge focus on sports and so much testosterone flying around, it is hardly a surprise that the jock stereotype was so common and integral part of the school eco-system.
It is also not a surprise that, with such a large number of them, it was very difficult to find a lone jock. They spent most of their time team-building that they never really learnt how to manage life without their ‘squad’.
But the ‘lads’ did get something right and that was their choice of beverage, beer.
Beer encapsulates the jock. Masculine, with a distinctive odour, most often comes in a pack and full of gas… Actually let’s stop the comparisons there.
But, with so much beer available it can be so difficult to find a set that really stands as a tribute to the group. Wild Card Beer rises to this challenge - not only because millions of jocks would jump at the chance to be nicknamed ‘Wild Card’ - but because this good-looking, great-tasting quartet are in fact crafted by a female head brewer. And if there's ever something to make a jock into a real man (at least, if teenage rom-coms are anything to go by) then it's a good woman...
7. THE PRINCESS
Ever wondered if you might have been the class princess? Well just follow this checklist:
1. Do you love the colour pink?
2. Have you ever publicly stated that you’ve broken a nail?
3. Do you find it hard to say a sentence without the word ‘like’?
4. Have you forgotten what number question this is?
If you answered yes to all of these then we're afraid that things are not looking good for you (don’t worry we're not talking about your looks, you look amazing. Obviously).
But being a princess was never such a bad thing. Princesses were a necessity in the classroom - who else was everyone meant to be looking at during a lesson… the teacher? Don’t be ridiculous!
But really, what drink could really stand up to the pink, glossy and bubbly disposition of a princess? Sparkling Rosé of course!
Not just any Rosé, Bottega IL Vino Dei Poeti Brut Rosé (rolls off the tongue right?). With a glossy pink finish and streaks of gold, this is a Rosé that knows how to look good.
But, that is just on the surface. Unlike the classroom princess, there's substance as well as style with this Rosé! Scents of apple, berries, raspberries and blackcurrant glide from the glass. It tastes very like a fine Rosé Champagne - dry, fresh and full of floral and fruity flavours.
So trust us, you’ll enjoy this so much that your glass will quickly get as 'shallow' as the classroom princess we all know and love...
8. THE CLASS COUPLE
We all know ‘that’ couple. That couple who were always together. That couple who used to carve their initials into trees. That couple who used to accidently kick you whilst they played footsies under the table. That couple who you once saw round the bike sheds exploring the inner working of each other’s mouths. Yeh, we all know ‘that’ couple.
If you don’t know that couple, then you were probably too busy being in that couple. But who are the rest of us to judge? Young love is a wonderful thing. And now that we are older we should celebrate matches made in heaven. Especially when it comes to drinking!
Not the typical pairing, with ginger beer having spent the best part of the last term getting frisky with a dark rum, these two drinks actually complement each other fantastically. The kind of pairing that we can see going the distance...
9. THE NEW KID
It’s difficult to say this term without hushing it down to a whisper. Nothing quite spurs on rumours and conversations than the advent of ‘The New Kid’.
It was always a strange experience walking into your familiar classroom to see an unfamiliar face sitting alone at a desk. You’d yank your friends close to you as if you’re some top secret agency that had been infiltrated by a spy. “Who’s the new kid?” you’d whisper to your friends, trying to judge whether you have accepted them into this clan of a classroom.
Twisted Nose Gin is exactly the type of new kid that you just wouldn’t be able to place. Recently only available throughout the South Downs, this gin has finally graduated into the national market.
Twisted Nose Gin would therefore be one of those new kids with an unfamiliar accent, the kind of exotic newcomer who'd just moved to the area. This is because the strange key botanical in twisted nose is local watercress, which lends an intense, delicate sweetness and peppery note to the gin.
It isn’t clear whether Twisted Nose will take the classroom by storm, as any new kid will tell you it is extremely difficult to shake up the existing state of affairs. However, we already have a soft spot for it - and predict this new kid on the block will be pulling up a chair in the canteen next to the big names real soon - he's worth getting to know...
10. THE TEACHER
Although we have all had a wide range of diverse and sometimes rather 'interesting' teachers, there is always one stereotype that comes to our mind.
Stern, knowledgeable and engaging, the teacher stereotype is usually more closely aligned to Miss Trunchbull then Miss Honey. They teach us what we need to know, lead by example and request no nonsense learning to send us off into the big bad world a little more knowledgeable.
And what can be more no-nonsense, firm and knowledgeable than a bottle of Russian vodka? Made 'the proper way', the traditional Beluga Noble vodka undergoes a meticulous procedure in which it passes through multiple processes, including a unique and complex distillation of malt alcohol and artesian water. This vodka knows its stuff.
Leading the way, Russian vodka has set the standard for years - but with a new crop of graduates out to show that maybe, just maybe the old ways aren't always the best ways, we've got a lot to be excited about for the spirits class of 2016.